Lightening the Load

Q: Is there such a thing as being too giving, compassionate, or forgiving?

Too giving? Yes, absolutely. When you don’t have anything to give, you should be on the replenishing side of things. This can be materialistic and emotional. If you are broke, you don’t need to be passing out handouts. If you are emotionally bankrupt, you need to take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and if you do, resentment is likely to crop up. Too compassionate? Not if done in the right way. You can feel compassion for someone without letting it own you. Just because you can understand and feel for a person's position doesn’t mean you need to get involved. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do is let people make their own mistakes. Think of a toddler learning to walk. They fall many times before they get the hang of it. Sure, you feel for the struggle they are going through, but you also understand how necessary it is for them to move through on their own. You can’t rescue them, or they will never learn how to walk. I think we can feel for people’s situations without judgment and then let them learn their own lessons. Sometimes it is good to help, but use discernment or know that many times rescuing is just enabling. Too forgiving? I don’t think so. Forgiving doesn’t mean allowing. You can forgive someone without giving them access to your life. Forgiveness is recognizing the space and emotion being taken up inside you by holding onto the hurt. Many times, the person we most need to forgive is ourselves by making a conscious effort to let go. Easier than it sounds, for sure, and it can be thought of as a practice instead of a one-and-done. Whenever you feel the hurt and story of it all, you can imagine turning it over to your higher power. You can imagine a heavy backpack of bricks that you set down. By practicing putting it down, you will eventually embody the belief. You can’t change others or your own past behaviours, but you can let go of that bag of bricks.

Nicole Young

4 days ago

5 min read

I’ve had this travel trailer for a while — something I’ve wanted to sell since the beginning of the year. It needed cleaning, a few repairs, and even a whole front gate taken down so it could fit out of the driveway. It’s interesting, the invisible weight I allowed it to place on me. Last Monday it sold, and poof — just like that, the weight and worry were gone.

It’s got me thinking about all the stuff, physically and metaphorically, that we carry around with us. We spend our lives collecting things. The reasons we collect are many, but the result is the same: we die, and it’s all left for someone else to deal with. Some things can be passed down and create ease for the next generation, but most of our stuff becomes a burden. Like the travel trailer — it had served its purpose, and then it just sat. Sat for me to worry about leaks, mice, appliances breaking… and every time I walked by, all those concerns would arise with the same conclusion: I need to get rid of this. How many things do we all have like that in our lives? We are blessed to have so much, and then spend our time worrying about it all.

Talking about forgiveness and compassion in one of the questions below, I can see a relationship between our need to collect stuff and never let it go, as well as collect past hurts, stories, and judgments. Then we continue to bring all that baggage into every new chapter. Letting that weight bring us down over and over, even if it happened years ago.

What would it feel like to pass that pain along? Maybe you couldn’t make any money at it — or maybe you could if you were really creative — but the idea is the same. Why do we keep all this stuff when it would be so much more pleasurable to just lighten the load?

The excuse I hear most for clinging to physical stuff is that it’s “valuable.” Valuable, but no one wants to buy it right now. Or selling it would take time. So into paid storage it goes, never to be seen again. An invisible weight you pay for each month.

The excuse for not letting go of emotional baggage? Pride or self‑loathing. We can’t let go of the injustice. Maybe we think we’ve never done anything wrong, or we think we’ve done everything wrong and deserve our punishment. In my life, I think it’s a little of both.

Let’s imagine what it would feel like to not worry about excess stuff. What would it feel like to let go of resentment — toward yourself and others? If one day you woke up and couldn’t remember anyone ever doing you wrong. If the sting of your past transgressions was eliminated. It would feel lighter, right? Space would open for creativity, ideas, love, and time.

Let me know — have you ever done a deep cleanse? How did it feel afterward? Have you ever had to forgive yourself, and what space did that open in your heart?

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Student Questions

1) Can boundaries be considered a form of ahimsa, not only toward yourself, but toward the other person too?

Ahimsa is the yogic principle of non‑harming, and yes — boundaries are part of it. Boundaries are personal: how you want and expect to be treated. Clear boundaries help others feel safe because they know where they stand. Sometimes setting a boundary doesn’t feel pleasant to the other person, so they may disagree with the “non‑harm” of it all.

Work is a good example. We’ve all had a boss with invisible expectations. We probably messed up a lot because we didn’t know what was expected. I’m not going to beat myself up over those mistakes — it’s the boss’s job to lay down the rules. The same goes if I’m the boss: I can’t get upset over mistakes if I wasn’t clear.

Clear boundaries prevent confusion and upset all around — therefore preventing harm.

2) Is there such a thing as being too giving, compassionate, or forgiving?

Too giving? Yes, absolutely. When you don’t have anything to give, you should be on the replenishing side of things. This can be materialistic and emotional. If you are broke, you don’t need to be passing out handouts. If you are emotionally bankrupt, you need to take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and if you do, resentment is likely to crop up.

Too compassionate? Not if done in the right way. You can feel compassion for someone without letting it own you. Just because you can understand and feel for a person's position doesn’t mean you need to get involved. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do is let people make their own mistakes. Think of a toddler learning to walk. They fall many times before they get the hang of it. Sure, you feel for the struggle they are going through, but you also understand how necessary it is for them to move through on their own. You can’t rescue them, or they will never learn how to walk. I think we can feel for people’s situations without judgment and then let them learn their own lessons. Sometimes it is good to help, but use discernment or know that many times rescuing is just enabling.

Too forgiving? I don’t think so. Forgiving doesn’t mean allowing. You can forgive someone without giving them access to your life. Forgiveness is recognizing the space and emotion being taken up inside you by holding onto the hurt. Many times, the person we most need to forgive is ourselves by making a conscious effort to let go.

Easier than it sounds, for sure, and it can be thought of as a practice instead of a one-and-done. Whenever you feel the hurt and story of it all, you can imagine turning it over to your higher power. You can imagine a heavy backpack of bricks that you set down. By practicing putting it down, you will eventually embody the belief. You can’t change others or your own past behaviours, but you can let go of that bag of bricks.

3) Do you think someone needs a strong foundation in meditation or traditional yoga before seriously exploring tantric practices?

Tantra is traditional yoga — just another branch. Think of Christianity: many denominations, similar philosophy. Yoga is the same. Tantra is one branch, like Hatha, Kundalini, Ashtanga, etc.

Tantric practices are heavy in meditation, breathwork, presence, mantras, and yantras — and less heavy on physical exercise. So no, you can practice tantra without needing to visit other yogic practices becuase they are already a part of the philosophy.

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