Elusive Feelings

A secret of mine. I have horrible boundaries. Something I have been working on, well, since AA 13 years ago, because before that, I didn't even know there was a problem. Before that, I had limited access to my feelings unless it was self-loathing, irritation (with everything), and crippling anxiety. The good times were a blur in the pursuit of more good times. Relationships failed due to a lack of love. It just never was enough. You have to know yourself to set a boundary, and you have to love yourself to love another. Know and love myself, I did not.  I figured if I put on the guise of toughness, no one would mess with me. Rush here, rush there, avoid eye contact, and maybe no one will talk to me. People still talked to me, though, other people with boundary issues that couldn’t read the tough act I was putting out. Funny to ponder now. I was trying to avoid people who would invade my space because I didn’t want to have to say no, but in doing the tough guy act, those were the only people who interacted with me. 

Still amazes me how one can feel so different on the inside then how they appear on the outside. I have softened over the years, but it has taken a long time. I was unsure of my recovery because, for the longest time, I couldn’t cry. I was incredibly envious of all the emotional breakthroughs people seemed to be having in the program, and I just couldn't feel things on that level. I still had feelings; don’t get me wrong, they just felt muted and choked up like a rock in my chest. The only time it seemed I could cry was when I got angry.  The bulletproof exterior wasn’t a true representation of who I was, but it had kept me from getting hurt and took more time to let go of than I cared for, but se la ve.

 Learning about setting clear boundaries and being transparent has led to mountains and valleys of work. As each new Peek is met, it is inevitably met by the ocean floor, all carrying new insights and growth. Emotions have become deeper and more accessible for me with time, as I realized I wouldn’t actually drown in all of them. Plus, with no substances to hide behind, it became inevitable to feel. Feel the pain of losing an animal or loved one,  the sting of someone’s betrayal, and the sadness of the world. So I began processing on a level of acceptance rather than fear. Practicing sitting with grief as a friend because you know if you run, grief will become an enemy you see on every corner. But as a friend, she can guide you through the pain to the other side. I have never come out the same person, but that is ok. Because trying to stay the same, clinging to oldness, and not moving through the heartache, will keep even the strongest soul stuck in a loop until the pattern is broken. 

So if love, feelings, and emotions feel tough for you, know that you are not alone. Perhaps there is never a “perfect” in the way we think perfect should be, but over time, progress can be made. Acceptance is key, as well as starting where you are. There seems to be no shortcuts in learning about oneself and one's own individual needs. I post this first post on Valentine's Day because I think for many the day doesn’t bring warm fuzzies, but sadness around failure in love, relationships, and self-worth. So, a reminder, my love, that you are the journey, keep looking inward, and learn all you can about your heart and soul. Let yourself sink to the bottom and climb each mountain knowing that your journey is uniquely yours. Love can blossom from the inside out, and know that love is multifaceted, an acceptance of what is without needing to change.

I love you, Nicole